It's Sunday night, hubs and kids are in bed and here I sit, clickity-clacking away on the laptop. I feel exhausted but a review of the day yields no reason why I should be. I managed to do a load of laundry, fill the wood box, load the dishwasher and take a shower, but there are SO many other things that *need* doing not to mention all the other things I *want* to do... why then, is it so hard to actually get stuff accomplished?? What is it that holds me back? I have no ooomph, no drive... I miss that. I miss the days that I could hardly wait to spring out of bed and start tackling my to-do list and the nights I would lose track of time and stay awake into the wee hours of the morning because I was so into my task that I couldn't stand to leave it unfinished. I miss the feeling of enthusiasm.
I hoped that starting on this new medicine would help me to feel centered and focused -and honestly, I DO feel a difference. I'm just not sure it's enough. I know there's no magic pill that's going to fix everything and I still need to work at being happy and getting things accomplished but sometimes the simplest things feel like such a huge undertaking.
The fact that tomorrow is Monday, fills me with dread. The daily grind of getting the kids to school, then coming home and getting things DONE around here before it's time to go back and pick the kids up, then the afternoon/evening routine of homework detail and dinner prep. makes me wonder if being a SAHM is what I should be doing. Maybe, as much as I *want* to do it, I'm not cut out for it??
As a child, I envied those kids who's mom's picked them up from school and the kids who got to play sports or join clubs because their parents were willing and available to shuttle them to and fro. Being available for my kids is SO important to me but I'm afraid I end up letting them down more often than I make them happy or proud. I worry about the same thing with the hubs -I often feel like I'm a big disappointment to those around me. I sometimes wonder if I'm missing a domestic gene because it's so dang hard to for me to juggle the kids, hubs, house, finances, and all the other junk that comes up on a daily basis. It just seems like it should be easier.
Aside from a happy family, all I really want is a clean house, my bills to get paid on time and a little time for my hobbies. Really now, Is that so much to ask??
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yo sistah...you left out the fact that your life is a little (read: TONS) more complicated than the average sahm (smartass ho motherfucker, according to dooce). you live in freakin boondog heights and have to drive a half hour to ANYwhere, you're kids are ALL very involved in stuff, you have your pops on the premises, you have a rather large menagerie of unusual pets...i can probably go on - my point is that you *are* good at what you do. you are a great mom (well, as long as we are judging kids on personality instead of personal behavior.) i'm kidding sistah - keep playing with the meds, it should get better. you aren't a disappointment to anyone that i know, not your family and not your friends...you are the closest thing to WonderWoman that i know!
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