catharsis

it's amazing how having your life thrown into a tailspin will make you stop and take inventory of what really matters. priorities come into sharp focus and trivial things that once seemed like such a big deal suddenly disappear from the radar. my mind has been working nonstop the past week or so, thinking about why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do.

I started a blog a couple of years ago, with the idea that it might be someplace to share the real me; my quirky, often immature, SOH, my true opinions on things -something "in real life" I often hold in check because I fear not being liked if my perspective doesn't jive with the popular kids. I wanted a place to bitch about things that annoy me, a place to share seemingly mundane things that, for whatever reason, make me stop and take notice - a place to post trivial accomplishments. I wanted my cyber-friends to nod at their screen saying "omg... ME TOO!". in hindsight I guess I was reaching out for the friendships and support I crave but lack the ability to manifest "in real life". actually, if I'm to be completely honest, I've never had a single relationship in my life, that's been 100% no holds barred -not that they couldn't have been that way, but I've never been willing or able to let go and open myself up to that -so, I started a blog.

nothing sinister in any of that except that once again, I stopped short at sharing the real me. I began posting right around the time my mom died. I was able to pour out my emotions -which was great but, soon after all of that, I retreated back behind my mask of worry and self doubt. the realization that the annonymity of the 'net is really a farce brought to the forefront my sense of obligation to always be nice, not rock the boat and always, above all else, avoid conflict and confrontation -because what if something I said was misinterpreted or hurt someone's feelings?! what if someone didn't like me? I was back at square one; I'd pour my thoughts out: typetypetype. read, then almost always: backspacebackspacebackspace. rewrite. think about my 'nice' factor and then either post or delete entirely. I have become a master at filtering. how the heck is it that, even with the relative annonymity of the 'net, I still can't be comfortable being me?