purging

Today flew by... I can hardly believe I've been in TN 2 days already -the time is speeding by way too fast and there's so much left to do, left to say.
I'm visiting my mom and my Aunt June this week. Not a visit I wanted to make but a necessary one. My mom is sick -she's been sick for several years now, but just recently her illness has advanced to the point that time is a precious commodity. My mom lives here with both of her sisters, and her brother in law. They brought her back here to TN so that they could care for her as her illness has progressed. My Aunt June was an RN in San Francisco for many years and now she and my Aunt Ruby are mom's primary care givers. They get her up in the morning, prepare her meals, bathe her, give her her meds and breathing treatments -Aunt June even draws her blood here at the house because she isn't able to go anywhere unless it's by ambulance. Beyond all of that, they love her -sincerely and without judgement.
My mom was a smoker most of her life. Even when she was diagnosed with emphazima, she continued to smoke. She tried several times to quit smoking but she's always been a nervous person, going without made her anxious, she lacked the will power. I think she had the "it'll never happen to me" attitude. I mean, it wasn't like it was cancer or anything...right? She got sick pretty often -always ended up with a deep cough that would rattle her body -she broke ribs every so often because of the violent coughing spells. She'd get pneumonia and ended up in the hospital several times. I don't think she ever associated it with her smoking. Denial is a powerful thing.
Finally her dr suggested that she use supplemental oxygen. She didn't have to use it all the time, just when she was doing something strenuous and felt out of breath. Her dr. told her that the smoking had to stop -and it did, for awhile. Pretty soon she was sneaking out for a quick smoke -just half a cig, no big deal... then back in, for a few minutes of oxygen. This went on for a couple of years until she had to use the oxygen anytime she went out, grocery store, dr. visits, hair dresser... she had to haul the CO2 tank.
We all tried to talk to her about the smoking and offer support if she would just quit... but she was defensive and felt as if we were attacking her each time we brought it up. The subject was taboo.
One year, she came up to spend the Christmas holidays with me and my family. While she was with us she got sick. I took her into the ER and she was admitted. She was in the hospital with pneumonia again... She was in there for several days this time. Long enough to scare her and get her over that hump (with the aid of an anxiety reliever) to quit smoking. She was so proud of herself (and believe me, so was I!) when she realized that this time it was working... she still had the urge to smoke, but it was manageable. Of course now she was to the point that she was on oxygen full time. She had to get an oxygen machine because the tanks weren't enough anymore.
As her health declined, we talked about her coming up to live with me and my family so I could care for her. At that time she was still mobile and taking care of herself but she was tethered to that machine and even with a portable CO2 tank, it was too difficult for her to leave home to do errands, grocery shopping etc.
One thing lead to another and I got a call one day from my aunts. They had been talking for quite awhile about mom's need for more advanced care and they wanted my blessing to bring her out to TN. My first reaction was NO WAY. My mom and I lived 6 hours apart but we were very close, talking on the phone at least once a day. I'd take the kids down to visit her and my dad just about every time the kids had a break from school... I wanted her to come to me. The more we talked the more I began to see all the thought that had gone into their plans. My Aunt June had the medical background that would be necessary to keep mom at home for as long as possible and Aunt Ruby would be able to help out in other ways -together they would be able to offer her a peaceful, healthy, and loving home. I could offer her an abundance of love but with 3 kids and a busy household, the peace would be rare and with all the germs kids bring home, the healthy thing was not likely. So, with a heavy heart, I went to help her pack. Aunt Ruby and Uncle Bob drove out to CA and picked her up and as I watched them drive away, I knew that life was never going to be the same.
The arrangement has been a blessing. As much as I miss having mom close by, the trade off of knowing that she has round the clock care, by these wonderful people that love her has been my saving grace.
Since she's been here, Mom has made many new friends -people who stop by to visit and let her know she's in their prayers. She's even fortunate enough to have a dr. who lives down the road and is gracious enough to make house calls, just to check up on her. There's definitely something to be said for small town living.
I've brought the kids out here to visit Grammy and their great aunts and uncle a couple of times durring summer vacations, and I've been out a couple of times by myself. Each time we've been warmly welcomed and made to feel at home.
Anyway... the point of this rambling is that I got a call a couple of weeks ago suggesting that I might want to make a visit, soon. I've known the time was coming, that preparations need to be made and things put in order... but expecting it, doesn't make it any easier. I see her and she looks much like the last time I saw her. But when I sit with her and we chat or play cards, I can hear that her breathing is more labored. She's completely lucid, but her meds make her sleep more -which she hates... doesn't like the idea of missing too much time from her day. Time goes too quickly.
Aunt June and I were talking today about what the future holds and how there is no way to know how much time is left. She mentioned that mom's dr. is amazed that she's hung on this long. As much as I dread the idea of losing my mom, I dread even more, the idea that she will linger or be in pain. I worry about what her final days will be like and if I'll have enough time to get to her. I don't want her to worry about me -which I know she does... I want her to be at peace and let go when the time comes. Aunt June told me today how much my mom looks forward to my phone calls, hearing what we've been up to and news of the kids. She said "you are her lifeline". It's a wonderful thing to know you're loved that much... I can only hope she knows how much I love her, too.
I'm purging all of this here, because I need to let go of the grief I feel, even if just a little bit. I don't want my mom to know how scared I am. How afraid I am that the one person I *KNOW* loves me without question, and that I matter to more than anything, is going to be leaving. I feel selfish and mad. It doesn't seem fair. I keep reminding myself that people deal with loss everyday -life will go on, eventually it will hurt less. I feel all this and yet, I'm lucky enough to still have her here, to get the chance to make sure she knows how much she means to me -a chance that so many people don't get. I should feel lucky, but right now I'm just sad...