Today was just what I needed to shake off my winter funk- a warm, sunny, quiet ...gorgeous day. It felt so good to open up the doors and let the fresh air and sunshine fill up the house. The best part about it was that we were expecting "partly cloudy skies" -which up here, almost always translates to gray, cloudy and cold. This is one time I don't mind that the weather man was wrong!
Having been out of commission with my back problems for the past couple of weeks, chores were piling up around here. I managed to get caught up on a few things today -getting back on track, little by little. My mountain of laundry is now just a little mole hill, the porch lights are in working order again, the clocks are all re-set for daylight savings time, the houseplants have been fed and my kitchen isn't quite as scary as it had been. Still lots to be done, but all in all a good day.
I don't have anything on my calendar for tomorrow (yet!)so I'm planning on spending some time in my scraproom. I have some projects to finish-up and then I need to go through and finish culling things out. There's so much in there that I never even touch -it's gotten to the stage where it's too overwhelming to even attempt to be creative. Spring cleaning starts tomorrow!
It's just after 6pm -well into the cocktail hour :D We're out the door to a b-b-q with some friends -gonna soak up all the goodness this day can hold! :)
Peace out!
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Monday, March 5, 2007
life could be a dream
sh-boom sh-boom...Ya-da-da Da-da-da Da-da-da Da
So... the weirdest thing happened to me today -it was a deja vu thing and it immediately made me think back to a time just after I'd had my first child, and I was learning to cope with the fact that I was now responsible for another human being. I remember having these crazy dreams where I was running around the house, in a hurry to go somewhere (because I am ALWAYS in a hurry) and in my rush, I'd hop in the car and speed off, only to realize I'd left the baby at home. I'd wake up in a cold sweat, my heart racing, tripping over myself to get to the nursery so I could be sure that it was indeed, just a bad dream and that my precious bundle was safely snuggled in his crib. One time I dreamt that I'd driven off and left the infant seat up on top of the car, with the baby in it -like it was just another one of those forehead thumping, 'gee, I know I'm forgetting something' moments.
As the months rolled by and I got more comfortable in my role as a mom, those 'oops I forgot my baby' dreams became less frequent and I went back to run of the mill dreams like the ones where I showed up at school and then realized I wasn't wearing pants...
So getting back to the point of this story, and yes, there *is* a point here somewhere... The AM routine around Rancho McBirdie can be a leeetle hectic -which is actually a gross understatement when you stop to consider that I have never been a morning person. I finally manage to drag me arse out of bed at about 7am -after no less than 3 warnings from the snooze alarm. I stumble downstairs to check that everyone's had breakfast, brushed their teef, packed a lunch, ...and put on pants. When we're ready to roll, Andrew is the first one out the door. He starts the car and warms it up for the rest of us. Kendall is next out the door and runs -knees and elbows flying every which way- to be sure she gets to the car before Matt, so she doesn't have to walk ALL THE WAY AROUND the car and sit on the {gasp} *OTHER* side. Matt schleps around to the other side with me. I hop in, get the i-pod tuned in, buckle up and once I hear Matt's door close, I proceed to turn the car around and head down the driveway. Ah... we're on our way, we're on time, life is good.
And then...
my phone rings.
Oh, yeah, uh-huh...it's Matt-man -the one who's right behind me in the backseat. He's always clowning around like that. I'm just about ready to ream him for wasting cell phone minutes - I mean c'mon! ...we're sitting in the same car, for pete's sake! But, something seems strange -I hear his voice on the phone, what I don't hear... is any sound coming from his spot in the backseat of the car...
GOODLAAAWD!
I slam on the brakes, sending the car into a pretty impressive skid down our dirt road and scream into the phone "OH. MY. GAWD! MATT?!! WHERE...ARE...YOU?!!" -at the same time, craning my head around to be sure he's not laughing his ass off at me for falling for another one of his pranks. By now the other two kids are looking around trying to figure out what the hell is going on -and: Hey! WHERE is Matt?!!
Ugh ...have I mentioned I'm not a morning person??
Headed downhill on a gravel road, it's nearly impossible to back up so Matt has to run down to the car. When he gets in, he's talking a mile a minute about being freaked that I would just drive off... We finally figure out exactly what happend and we all start to laugh. It seems that when Matt came around the car with me, rather than get in, he threw his stuff in, shut the door and ran off to feed his chickens -just took off, without saying a word. Kendall and Andrew were playing with their i-Pods (read: completely oblivious) and I just assumed, when I heard the door shut, that Matt had climbed inside. NONE of us realized he wasn't in the car until my phone rang!
AAAACK! I'll never get that Mother of the Year award at this rate!
I'm hoping my next deja vu has something to do with those dreams I have of winning the lottery! :D
So... the weirdest thing happened to me today -it was a deja vu thing and it immediately made me think back to a time just after I'd had my first child, and I was learning to cope with the fact that I was now responsible for another human being. I remember having these crazy dreams where I was running around the house, in a hurry to go somewhere (because I am ALWAYS in a hurry) and in my rush, I'd hop in the car and speed off, only to realize I'd left the baby at home. I'd wake up in a cold sweat, my heart racing, tripping over myself to get to the nursery so I could be sure that it was indeed, just a bad dream and that my precious bundle was safely snuggled in his crib. One time I dreamt that I'd driven off and left the infant seat up on top of the car, with the baby in it -like it was just another one of those forehead thumping, 'gee, I know I'm forgetting something' moments.
As the months rolled by and I got more comfortable in my role as a mom, those 'oops I forgot my baby' dreams became less frequent and I went back to run of the mill dreams like the ones where I showed up at school and then realized I wasn't wearing pants...
So getting back to the point of this story, and yes, there *is* a point here somewhere... The AM routine around Rancho McBirdie can be a leeetle hectic -which is actually a gross understatement when you stop to consider that I have never been a morning person. I finally manage to drag me arse out of bed at about 7am -after no less than 3 warnings from the snooze alarm. I stumble downstairs to check that everyone's had breakfast, brushed their teef, packed a lunch, ...and put on pants. When we're ready to roll, Andrew is the first one out the door. He starts the car and warms it up for the rest of us. Kendall is next out the door and runs -knees and elbows flying every which way- to be sure she gets to the car before Matt, so she doesn't have to walk ALL THE WAY AROUND the car and sit on the {gasp} *OTHER* side. Matt schleps around to the other side with me. I hop in, get the i-pod tuned in, buckle up and once I hear Matt's door close, I proceed to turn the car around and head down the driveway. Ah... we're on our way, we're on time, life is good.
And then...
my phone rings.
Oh, yeah, uh-huh...it's Matt-man -the one who's right behind me in the backseat. He's always clowning around like that. I'm just about ready to ream him for wasting cell phone minutes - I mean c'mon! ...we're sitting in the same car, for pete's sake! But, something seems strange -I hear his voice on the phone, what I don't hear... is any sound coming from his spot in the backseat of the car...
GOODLAAAWD!
I slam on the brakes, sending the car into a pretty impressive skid down our dirt road and scream into the phone "OH. MY. GAWD! MATT?!! WHERE...ARE...YOU?!!" -at the same time, craning my head around to be sure he's not laughing his ass off at me for falling for another one of his pranks. By now the other two kids are looking around trying to figure out what the hell is going on -and: Hey! WHERE is Matt?!!
Ugh ...have I mentioned I'm not a morning person??
Headed downhill on a gravel road, it's nearly impossible to back up so Matt has to run down to the car. When he gets in, he's talking a mile a minute about being freaked that I would just drive off... We finally figure out exactly what happend and we all start to laugh. It seems that when Matt came around the car with me, rather than get in, he threw his stuff in, shut the door and ran off to feed his chickens -just took off, without saying a word. Kendall and Andrew were playing with their i-Pods (read: completely oblivious) and I just assumed, when I heard the door shut, that Matt had climbed inside. NONE of us realized he wasn't in the car until my phone rang!
AAAACK! I'll never get that Mother of the Year award at this rate!
I'm hoping my next deja vu has something to do with those dreams I have of winning the lottery! :D
Monday, February 26, 2007
it's good to be home
I'm sure it'll take a few days to get back to normal... whatever that is, but it's good to be home ...piles of laundry, bickering kids, wicked weather and all -it just feels good to be back.
My flight out of Charlotte, NC yesterday ended up being delayed by just over an hour, which put me into San Fran literally, MINUTES too late to board my flight home... the stinkin plane was still sitting at the gate but a few of us were bumped to a later flight because the doors had already been closed. It all worked out and I was able to get onto the next flight out. It was beautiful flying beneath the blue sky and above the thick white clouds. Just a few bumps on the descent, we landed just after the sun had set. It was pouring rain and just after we touched down a rip of lightning lit up the sky! My girl was waiting out in the rain for me as I came off the plane... hubs was a bit less enthusiastic and waited alongside the terminal just under cover of the roof...wimp. (kidding... I would have done the same!)
We drove home thru an incredible rain and hail storm -kind of exciting, actually. I guess there's been no shortage of rain while I've been gone. There's lots of water standing in the fields at the wildlife refuge across the road and the forecast calls for rain thru the end of the week... maybe we should get started on an Ark?
Got home and checked in on Pop. He's funny, he didn't do much all week but had lots to chat about. I think he might of missed me just a little bit, lol!
The boys were home, waiting for me. I got to hear about all their comings and goings this week -which included a double date for one of them -aaack! lol! Even though I talked to the kids a few times while I was gone, I missed all them *SO* much. I swear they look different -even after just 8 days.
After being on the go for about 20 hours yesterday, I tell ya, when my head hit the pillow last night, it was an almost instant lights out. I woke up at about 4:20am to an earthquake -which ended up being centered about 32 miles west of here. I called Pop to check on him and he actually thought someone might have crashed into his trailer! He's just not used to our earthshakes up here on the coast, yet -lol! Thank goodness we had no damage around here. I looked on the USGS website this morning and it's listed as a magnitude 5.4 -we had another, smaller quake just after 8am -I was driving, so didn't feel it, but it was listed as a 2.9.
Rain, hail, earthquakes... it's still good to be home. ;)
My flight out of Charlotte, NC yesterday ended up being delayed by just over an hour, which put me into San Fran literally, MINUTES too late to board my flight home... the stinkin plane was still sitting at the gate but a few of us were bumped to a later flight because the doors had already been closed. It all worked out and I was able to get onto the next flight out. It was beautiful flying beneath the blue sky and above the thick white clouds. Just a few bumps on the descent, we landed just after the sun had set. It was pouring rain and just after we touched down a rip of lightning lit up the sky! My girl was waiting out in the rain for me as I came off the plane... hubs was a bit less enthusiastic and waited alongside the terminal just under cover of the roof...wimp. (kidding... I would have done the same!)
We drove home thru an incredible rain and hail storm -kind of exciting, actually. I guess there's been no shortage of rain while I've been gone. There's lots of water standing in the fields at the wildlife refuge across the road and the forecast calls for rain thru the end of the week... maybe we should get started on an Ark?
Got home and checked in on Pop. He's funny, he didn't do much all week but had lots to chat about. I think he might of missed me just a little bit, lol!
The boys were home, waiting for me. I got to hear about all their comings and goings this week -which included a double date for one of them -aaack! lol! Even though I talked to the kids a few times while I was gone, I missed all them *SO* much. I swear they look different -even after just 8 days.
After being on the go for about 20 hours yesterday, I tell ya, when my head hit the pillow last night, it was an almost instant lights out. I woke up at about 4:20am to an earthquake -which ended up being centered about 32 miles west of here. I called Pop to check on him and he actually thought someone might have crashed into his trailer! He's just not used to our earthshakes up here on the coast, yet -lol! Thank goodness we had no damage around here. I looked on the USGS website this morning and it's listed as a magnitude 5.4 -we had another, smaller quake just after 8am -I was driving, so didn't feel it, but it was listed as a 2.9.
Rain, hail, earthquakes... it's still good to be home. ;)
Sunday, February 25, 2007
morning came waaaay too early...
Got up at 4am to catch my 6am flight from TN to NC ...I feel like a zombie. I never did really get set to east coast time during this trip since mom and I stayed up late each night talking, laughing, crying. Last night was no exception, we didn't say our goodnight's until close to 1am and I couldn't quiet my mind for some time after that. The alarm was set for 4am but I was awake a good 10 minutes before -I guess I was afraid I'd be so zonked I'd sleep thru it. lol!
The visit was bittersweet... wonderful to see her and spend time together and at the same time, difficult to deal with the idea that it might be our last chance to hold each other and say those things we so often hold back. We squeezed a lot in these past few days and for now, I'm planning another trip this spring...
Right now I'm in rainy Charlotte, North Carolina. Local time is just past 9am. My flight to San Francisco was sched. for 9:20am but as of now has been bumped to 9:40am due to a delay out of Boston. Last night there were tornado warnings for Arkansas, Missouri, and northwest Tennessee (I was in northeast TN). I only saw a bit of news but it looks like a couple of tornadoes have ripped thru parts of Arkansas... skeeery stuff for this westcoast girl. I really feel for those people... can't imagine experiencing that kind of chaos and devastation. That said... hopefully the wild weather won't cause a problem with my travel plans... I'm beyond ready to see my babies.
This is a pretty big airport... the people watching is good. Think I'll go stretch my legs a bit before I'm stuck on the plane for 6+ hours.
Before I sign off, I want to send out a huge thank you to all of you who have posted and e-mailed me over the course of the past several days. Your kindness and support means so much to me. Love you guys! xoxo
The visit was bittersweet... wonderful to see her and spend time together and at the same time, difficult to deal with the idea that it might be our last chance to hold each other and say those things we so often hold back. We squeezed a lot in these past few days and for now, I'm planning another trip this spring...
Right now I'm in rainy Charlotte, North Carolina. Local time is just past 9am. My flight to San Francisco was sched. for 9:20am but as of now has been bumped to 9:40am due to a delay out of Boston. Last night there were tornado warnings for Arkansas, Missouri, and northwest Tennessee (I was in northeast TN). I only saw a bit of news but it looks like a couple of tornadoes have ripped thru parts of Arkansas... skeeery stuff for this westcoast girl. I really feel for those people... can't imagine experiencing that kind of chaos and devastation. That said... hopefully the wild weather won't cause a problem with my travel plans... I'm beyond ready to see my babies.
This is a pretty big airport... the people watching is good. Think I'll go stretch my legs a bit before I'm stuck on the plane for 6+ hours.
Before I sign off, I want to send out a huge thank you to all of you who have posted and e-mailed me over the course of the past several days. Your kindness and support means so much to me. Love you guys! xoxo
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
enough with the drama already...
Woke up this morning with puffy eyes and a headache -something of an emotional hangover, I guess. Thank goodness the emotions are in check again -for now anyway. I don't know why it is that I fight to hold back tears, even when I'm alone. I just hate to give in but sometimes it's good to just let go and get it over with.
Today was spent at home with mom and Aunt June. Mom and I watched a lot of tv and played several hands of Skip-Bo, her favorite card game. Tonight it's more tv... maybe a little ice cream after her last breathing treatment of the day.
Aunt June was a busy bee... as usual, today. This morning she made muffins from scratch and this afternoon she made some homemade Tomato soup for tomorrow's lunch. A couple of gals who have kind of adopted my mom and her sisters are coming for a visit and lunch. I've already scored a couple of recipies to take home. I'm always amazed at the way my aunt's cook and yet their kitchen is always clean. They make it look so effortless. Each time I step into the kitchen I leave a path of destruction in my wake. I should definitely be taking notes.
Aunt June is taking ice cream orders... chocolate cherry cordial for me and black walnut for mom...
Today was spent at home with mom and Aunt June. Mom and I watched a lot of tv and played several hands of Skip-Bo, her favorite card game. Tonight it's more tv... maybe a little ice cream after her last breathing treatment of the day.
Aunt June was a busy bee... as usual, today. This morning she made muffins from scratch and this afternoon she made some homemade Tomato soup for tomorrow's lunch. A couple of gals who have kind of adopted my mom and her sisters are coming for a visit and lunch. I've already scored a couple of recipies to take home. I'm always amazed at the way my aunt's cook and yet their kitchen is always clean. They make it look so effortless. Each time I step into the kitchen I leave a path of destruction in my wake. I should definitely be taking notes.
Aunt June is taking ice cream orders... chocolate cherry cordial for me and black walnut for mom...
Monday, February 19, 2007
purging
Today flew by... I can hardly believe I've been in TN 2 days already -the time is speeding by way too fast and there's so much left to do, left to say.
I'm visiting my mom and my Aunt June this week. Not a visit I wanted to make but a necessary one. My mom is sick -she's been sick for several years now, but just recently her illness has advanced to the point that time is a precious commodity. My mom lives here with both of her sisters, and her brother in law. They brought her back here to TN so that they could care for her as her illness has progressed. My Aunt June was an RN in San Francisco for many years and now she and my Aunt Ruby are mom's primary care givers. They get her up in the morning, prepare her meals, bathe her, give her her meds and breathing treatments -Aunt June even draws her blood here at the house because she isn't able to go anywhere unless it's by ambulance. Beyond all of that, they love her -sincerely and without judgement.
My mom was a smoker most of her life. Even when she was diagnosed with emphazima, she continued to smoke. She tried several times to quit smoking but she's always been a nervous person, going without made her anxious, she lacked the will power. I think she had the "it'll never happen to me" attitude. I mean, it wasn't like it was cancer or anything...right? She got sick pretty often -always ended up with a deep cough that would rattle her body -she broke ribs every so often because of the violent coughing spells. She'd get pneumonia and ended up in the hospital several times. I don't think she ever associated it with her smoking. Denial is a powerful thing.
Finally her dr suggested that she use supplemental oxygen. She didn't have to use it all the time, just when she was doing something strenuous and felt out of breath. Her dr. told her that the smoking had to stop -and it did, for awhile. Pretty soon she was sneaking out for a quick smoke -just half a cig, no big deal... then back in, for a few minutes of oxygen. This went on for a couple of years until she had to use the oxygen anytime she went out, grocery store, dr. visits, hair dresser... she had to haul the CO2 tank.
We all tried to talk to her about the smoking and offer support if she would just quit... but she was defensive and felt as if we were attacking her each time we brought it up. The subject was taboo.
One year, she came up to spend the Christmas holidays with me and my family. While she was with us she got sick. I took her into the ER and she was admitted. She was in the hospital with pneumonia again... She was in there for several days this time. Long enough to scare her and get her over that hump (with the aid of an anxiety reliever) to quit smoking. She was so proud of herself (and believe me, so was I!) when she realized that this time it was working... she still had the urge to smoke, but it was manageable. Of course now she was to the point that she was on oxygen full time. She had to get an oxygen machine because the tanks weren't enough anymore.
As her health declined, we talked about her coming up to live with me and my family so I could care for her. At that time she was still mobile and taking care of herself but she was tethered to that machine and even with a portable CO2 tank, it was too difficult for her to leave home to do errands, grocery shopping etc.
One thing lead to another and I got a call one day from my aunts. They had been talking for quite awhile about mom's need for more advanced care and they wanted my blessing to bring her out to TN. My first reaction was NO WAY. My mom and I lived 6 hours apart but we were very close, talking on the phone at least once a day. I'd take the kids down to visit her and my dad just about every time the kids had a break from school... I wanted her to come to me. The more we talked the more I began to see all the thought that had gone into their plans. My Aunt June had the medical background that would be necessary to keep mom at home for as long as possible and Aunt Ruby would be able to help out in other ways -together they would be able to offer her a peaceful, healthy, and loving home. I could offer her an abundance of love but with 3 kids and a busy household, the peace would be rare and with all the germs kids bring home, the healthy thing was not likely. So, with a heavy heart, I went to help her pack. Aunt Ruby and Uncle Bob drove out to CA and picked her up and as I watched them drive away, I knew that life was never going to be the same.
The arrangement has been a blessing. As much as I miss having mom close by, the trade off of knowing that she has round the clock care, by these wonderful people that love her has been my saving grace.
Since she's been here, Mom has made many new friends -people who stop by to visit and let her know she's in their prayers. She's even fortunate enough to have a dr. who lives down the road and is gracious enough to make house calls, just to check up on her. There's definitely something to be said for small town living.
I've brought the kids out here to visit Grammy and their great aunts and uncle a couple of times durring summer vacations, and I've been out a couple of times by myself. Each time we've been warmly welcomed and made to feel at home.
Anyway... the point of this rambling is that I got a call a couple of weeks ago suggesting that I might want to make a visit, soon. I've known the time was coming, that preparations need to be made and things put in order... but expecting it, doesn't make it any easier. I see her and she looks much like the last time I saw her. But when I sit with her and we chat or play cards, I can hear that her breathing is more labored. She's completely lucid, but her meds make her sleep more -which she hates... doesn't like the idea of missing too much time from her day. Time goes too quickly.
Aunt June and I were talking today about what the future holds and how there is no way to know how much time is left. She mentioned that mom's dr. is amazed that she's hung on this long. As much as I dread the idea of losing my mom, I dread even more, the idea that she will linger or be in pain. I worry about what her final days will be like and if I'll have enough time to get to her. I don't want her to worry about me -which I know she does... I want her to be at peace and let go when the time comes. Aunt June told me today how much my mom looks forward to my phone calls, hearing what we've been up to and news of the kids. She said "you are her lifeline". It's a wonderful thing to know you're loved that much... I can only hope she knows how much I love her, too.
I'm purging all of this here, because I need to let go of the grief I feel, even if just a little bit. I don't want my mom to know how scared I am. How afraid I am that the one person I *KNOW* loves me without question, and that I matter to more than anything, is going to be leaving. I feel selfish and mad. It doesn't seem fair. I keep reminding myself that people deal with loss everyday -life will go on, eventually it will hurt less. I feel all this and yet, I'm lucky enough to still have her here, to get the chance to make sure she knows how much she means to me -a chance that so many people don't get. I should feel lucky, but right now I'm just sad...
I'm visiting my mom and my Aunt June this week. Not a visit I wanted to make but a necessary one. My mom is sick -she's been sick for several years now, but just recently her illness has advanced to the point that time is a precious commodity. My mom lives here with both of her sisters, and her brother in law. They brought her back here to TN so that they could care for her as her illness has progressed. My Aunt June was an RN in San Francisco for many years and now she and my Aunt Ruby are mom's primary care givers. They get her up in the morning, prepare her meals, bathe her, give her her meds and breathing treatments -Aunt June even draws her blood here at the house because she isn't able to go anywhere unless it's by ambulance. Beyond all of that, they love her -sincerely and without judgement.
My mom was a smoker most of her life. Even when she was diagnosed with emphazima, she continued to smoke. She tried several times to quit smoking but she's always been a nervous person, going without made her anxious, she lacked the will power. I think she had the "it'll never happen to me" attitude. I mean, it wasn't like it was cancer or anything...right? She got sick pretty often -always ended up with a deep cough that would rattle her body -she broke ribs every so often because of the violent coughing spells. She'd get pneumonia and ended up in the hospital several times. I don't think she ever associated it with her smoking. Denial is a powerful thing.
Finally her dr suggested that she use supplemental oxygen. She didn't have to use it all the time, just when she was doing something strenuous and felt out of breath. Her dr. told her that the smoking had to stop -and it did, for awhile. Pretty soon she was sneaking out for a quick smoke -just half a cig, no big deal... then back in, for a few minutes of oxygen. This went on for a couple of years until she had to use the oxygen anytime she went out, grocery store, dr. visits, hair dresser... she had to haul the CO2 tank.
We all tried to talk to her about the smoking and offer support if she would just quit... but she was defensive and felt as if we were attacking her each time we brought it up. The subject was taboo.
One year, she came up to spend the Christmas holidays with me and my family. While she was with us she got sick. I took her into the ER and she was admitted. She was in the hospital with pneumonia again... She was in there for several days this time. Long enough to scare her and get her over that hump (with the aid of an anxiety reliever) to quit smoking. She was so proud of herself (and believe me, so was I!) when she realized that this time it was working... she still had the urge to smoke, but it was manageable. Of course now she was to the point that she was on oxygen full time. She had to get an oxygen machine because the tanks weren't enough anymore.
As her health declined, we talked about her coming up to live with me and my family so I could care for her. At that time she was still mobile and taking care of herself but she was tethered to that machine and even with a portable CO2 tank, it was too difficult for her to leave home to do errands, grocery shopping etc.
One thing lead to another and I got a call one day from my aunts. They had been talking for quite awhile about mom's need for more advanced care and they wanted my blessing to bring her out to TN. My first reaction was NO WAY. My mom and I lived 6 hours apart but we were very close, talking on the phone at least once a day. I'd take the kids down to visit her and my dad just about every time the kids had a break from school... I wanted her to come to me. The more we talked the more I began to see all the thought that had gone into their plans. My Aunt June had the medical background that would be necessary to keep mom at home for as long as possible and Aunt Ruby would be able to help out in other ways -together they would be able to offer her a peaceful, healthy, and loving home. I could offer her an abundance of love but with 3 kids and a busy household, the peace would be rare and with all the germs kids bring home, the healthy thing was not likely. So, with a heavy heart, I went to help her pack. Aunt Ruby and Uncle Bob drove out to CA and picked her up and as I watched them drive away, I knew that life was never going to be the same.
The arrangement has been a blessing. As much as I miss having mom close by, the trade off of knowing that she has round the clock care, by these wonderful people that love her has been my saving grace.
Since she's been here, Mom has made many new friends -people who stop by to visit and let her know she's in their prayers. She's even fortunate enough to have a dr. who lives down the road and is gracious enough to make house calls, just to check up on her. There's definitely something to be said for small town living.
I've brought the kids out here to visit Grammy and their great aunts and uncle a couple of times durring summer vacations, and I've been out a couple of times by myself. Each time we've been warmly welcomed and made to feel at home.
Anyway... the point of this rambling is that I got a call a couple of weeks ago suggesting that I might want to make a visit, soon. I've known the time was coming, that preparations need to be made and things put in order... but expecting it, doesn't make it any easier. I see her and she looks much like the last time I saw her. But when I sit with her and we chat or play cards, I can hear that her breathing is more labored. She's completely lucid, but her meds make her sleep more -which she hates... doesn't like the idea of missing too much time from her day. Time goes too quickly.
Aunt June and I were talking today about what the future holds and how there is no way to know how much time is left. She mentioned that mom's dr. is amazed that she's hung on this long. As much as I dread the idea of losing my mom, I dread even more, the idea that she will linger or be in pain. I worry about what her final days will be like and if I'll have enough time to get to her. I don't want her to worry about me -which I know she does... I want her to be at peace and let go when the time comes. Aunt June told me today how much my mom looks forward to my phone calls, hearing what we've been up to and news of the kids. She said "you are her lifeline". It's a wonderful thing to know you're loved that much... I can only hope she knows how much I love her, too.
I'm purging all of this here, because I need to let go of the grief I feel, even if just a little bit. I don't want my mom to know how scared I am. How afraid I am that the one person I *KNOW* loves me without question, and that I matter to more than anything, is going to be leaving. I feel selfish and mad. It doesn't seem fair. I keep reminding myself that people deal with loss everyday -life will go on, eventually it will hurt less. I feel all this and yet, I'm lucky enough to still have her here, to get the chance to make sure she knows how much she means to me -a chance that so many people don't get. I should feel lucky, but right now I'm just sad...
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
OMG!
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how
important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever
he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but
my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your
Eminence.'"
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three
women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2," hard bodied, well hung, Male
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God!"
important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever
he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but
my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your
Eminence.'"
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three
women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2," hard bodied, well hung, Male
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God!"
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